Thank you for writing to me. I hope you are having a Happy Holiday season. Your question is one that so many parents struggle with daily. If you want your children or teenagers to change, you have to change first.

Ask yourself just a few questions:

Do you repeat yourself over & over to your kids, “do your homework, clean your room, get off the computer or phone?”
Do your kids talk back or respond with an attitude?
Do they leave their toys and clothes anywhere and everywhere?
Do they slam doors, yell, or lie?

If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, then the problem is with you, their parent.

Kids of all ages need structure. In fact, the majority of their acting out reflects a need for structure. The above behaviors are their way of telling you that they are in control, and that you are not. Your job is not to be their best friend, not to act like siblings, or to use them to accompany you through different activities, instead of having your own age appropriate friends. Often parents give up when their kids challenge them because they are too tired to have the same arguments again and again.

Here are some tips and tools:

Do not yell or raise your voice. Remember that you are the adult in the room. If you wouldn’t do it at work, don’t do it at home. Once you start repeating yourself and raising your voice, you have lost your power. Give them a clear directive, “Pick up your clothes and put them away now”. When you tell them what to do, remember that there is no discussion or a negotiation. Most of all, do not start explaining when they ask “why”. This is a leading question to get you into a conversation or argument. Their goal is to wear you out so that they can get their way.

Tell them once and point in the direction of their room or closet so they have to hear you and see you. People learn in word pictures so the pointing gives them this but please do not point at the kid then you’ are using intimidation. Let them know if you have to repeat yourself a second time, they will lose the object to which you are referring. It doesn’t matter if it is a piece of clothing or a toy. After they have left the room, you can discreetly put each item in a garbage bag and then hide the bag even if you have to ask a friend to hold it. You also have the option of giving toys or electronics they don’t appreciate to someone else or throw out their favorite jeans. This is their wake up call “tell them since they don’t appreciate what they have then it should be in the trash. Make sure that they can’t find it.

Let me tell you how fast they will pick up their toys, clothes etc. when they realize what’s gone. They will yell, cry, and slam doors. Do not respond to their acting out. Older kids can be sent to their room without their computer, iPod, or cell phone when they act out. Their bedroom door remains open. Do not give them their stuff back right away they have to earn them back. Their computer can only be used in front of you for homework no emailing or messaging friends. Give them a realistic way in which they can earn their clothes back, something that is reachable. Remember you are supposed to be teaching and role modeling appropriate behavior it’s great when your kids like you but you have to tolerate when they don’t. It’s like the Flu it gets worse before it gets better.

For the first three days, they can’t get them back. Follow the rules, then day 4 they get a sweater or pair of jeans back, day 5 a t-shirt and so on. They do not get their favorites back first. Those you can with hold a week or two until they’ve proven their cleaning their room and doing their laundry. They have to experience the loss of the items, and then work to get them back, and while you are at it teach them to go the extra mile to do their laundry.

Here’s another tool for teenagers: If they can’t respect the clothes and the hard work and money it cost you to purchase them, then they will have to pay for any extras themselves i.e. clothes, toys, electronics etc. These items are not “have-to-haves” just because all their friends have them. They are “get-to-haves” which are earned. If it’s not for school you don’t buy it. When they have to pay for things themselves and the monthly service payments it’s a real reality check.

You have to be willing to tolerate the ugly period of being the bad mom or dad it will stop. It’s like having the flu in that it gets worse before it gets better. It doesn’t last forever and usually begins to turn around into the second month after they are starting to get tired of testing if you stick to it.

With younger kids good behavior may start sooner as long as there are rewards and a way for them to see their progress like on a star chart. How much game or extra computer time they earned if their chores are done and if they do extra, they earn extra privileges.

I hope this gives you an Excuse Free Parenting place to start. Remember the less you have to tell them, the less work you have to do, and the more responsibility they have to learn to take.

Make it an Excuse Free Life! I encourage you to enter the “What’s YOUR Excuse?” contest to get a chance to win 6 free coaching sessions at the beginning in the year. For more information, please visit www.drleslietoday.com.